In my Remedies class the other day, we were discussing a standard breach-of-contract case involving concrete and multiple late deliveries, and in reference to the plaintiff’s possible options for mitigating damages, my professor said, “In every situation in life, there are three choices: exit, voice, and loyalty.” Now of course this statement was meant to apply to the plaintiff’s choice of alternatives–substitute its failed subcontractor for another one, express its concerns to the subcontractor, or stick with the subcontractor despite all the previous problems–but as my professor suggested, those three choices could apply to virtually anything we come to face in life. And so, amidst the calculation of damages and the doctrine of avoidable consequences, I got to thinking about which choice was my go-to.
The study of law teaches us, among other things, that the most reliable answer is, “It depends.” That is, every case is different, and even though there is a general rule, there are times when it may have an exception or not apply at all. And in such a circumstance, we have to respond differently. I’d say the same is true of all our life choices: whether we exit, voice, or remain loyal is a function of both the facts of the situation and our individual personalities, which may even change depending on what’s in front of us. So I doubt we can ever really classify ourselves or anyone else as an exit person, a voice person, or a loyalty person.
But at the same time, there are patterns. We have M.O.’s, and those form a significant part of who we are. Ideally, wouldn’t we all like to say we’re voice people? That we have the confidence and the gumption and the respect for ourselves that it takes to express our opinions freely, in virtually any context? Sadly, this isn’t always the case. Personally, I would say that I only voice my concerns when I can’t stand to keep them in anymore–and even then, I need a lot of mental preparation before I communicate those feelings. This is probably because I hate fighting with people I care about, for fear that it will ruin the relationship. So I suppose, by default, I am a loyalty person. Who is learning, year by year, to be more of a voice person.
I would argue, though, that the three choices can often cycle through the same situation: when one option does not work, we try another, until finally, we decide to either remain loyal or to exit. Frequently the beginning of the relationship–platonic, romantic, or professional–is the easy part. They don’t call it a honeymoon period for nothing. It’s in this stage that we are loyal, usually because we’re grateful, excited, or some other quality that keeps us wanting to stick around and know more. At some point, though, there will be an argument or a difference of opinion, and we can either decide to leave or voice our feelings in an attempt to work through it. But even the latter sometimes backfires. Which then leaves us with the option to leave for good or to stay and keep trying. So there you have it: maybe all three choices are cyclical, dependent on and influencing each other, rather than just being descriptive of a person’s usual course of action.
I’m not entirely sure what my intent was in writing this post. I suppose it was partially to assess the truth of my professor’s statement, partially to decide what type of response I usually choose, and partially to determine whether all three options could be in play simultaneously. Or perhaps, in the end, it was an effort to boil life’s difficult choices down to something simpler and, in so doing, make them appear less frightening. But I can’t help thinking that by simplifying our possible responses I’ve just inadvertently added more gravity to the whole thing. Because for whatever reason, boiling things down to #realtalk can make them feel so laden with meaning. The crossroads metaphor becomes more real.
My friends and I are getting to a point in our lives where we’re going to have to start making bigger, more significant decisions. In a sense, that’s already started, but there’s only more ahead. So I guess I’m hoping that it really will be as easy as choosing among exit, voice, and loyalty. But something (experience?) tells me each of those is laden with an asterisk. Nothing is ever that simple, is it?
Suit Yourself 