On Repeat

Woke up with the memory of another dream–in my own bed this time. Content: shopping in a thrift shop; rooting through boxes; and eventually choosing a lace scarf, vintage brown leather cross-body purse, and a sweater. Most interesting symbols: leather purse = closely held secrets, desires, thoughts behind a tough exterior; thrift shop = learning from past experiences. “You’ve been on my mind…”

It’s Just Sex, Right?

Think about that for a moment. Seems simple enough, right? Two people who are more than friends but aren’t together, or, more accurately in today’s jargon, who aren’t Facebook official. But the word “flirtationship” has six different entries on Urban Dictionary, ranging from an arrangement that includes just flirting to one that approaches friends with benefits status. Why so many definitions if it’s really that simple? Answer: It appears there may be different types of flirtationships. That’s right–as if the world of romantic relations wasn’t complicated enough, pop culture has to throw a new concept into the mix. (Full disclosure: I didn’t happen upon this subject through my own profound reflection. Some conversations I’ve had with Lily recently, along with some of the heavier posts I’ve written over the last few days, have gotten me thinking about this more and more, partially because it’s fun to explore others’ definitions of a flirtationship and partially because I may, in some sense, want to explain that when a girl says “we’re keeping it casual” when her friends ask about her dealings with a guy she isn’t officially dating, it’s never that simple. Chances are she’s lying–to her friends and to herself. Because we all know who usually develops feelings first.)

I’ve wanted to write about this subject for quite some time now. It seems that the portrayal of casual sexual relationships is becoming a new romantic comedy genre: in the last six months, two films with virtually identical premises, both centered on the friends with benefits arrangement, premiered in theaters to rave reviews. Of course, I have experience with this type of relationship myself (updates are ongoing for now), so aside from jumping at the chance to bond with Alyssa over watching good-looking actors have frequent sexual rendezvous for two hours, I was curious to see how Hollywood depicted this kind of flirtationship. Would these movies go the route of giving women yet another fantasy to latch onto? In a sense, they seem to, but considering a story has to follow an arc, building to a climax and ending in a denouement, it’s understandable that all the loose ends are tied up. If these movie relationships followed the pattern of real flirtationships, especially real-world friends with benefits relationships, they would likely go on forever or end badly. 500 Days of Summer is the only movie where such a conclusion–boy does not get girl–didn’t taint the audience’s positive image of the film. Not sure how often that formula is going to work.

As a former journalist and communication major, I subscribe to the belief that the media is both a reflection of our lives and a way for us to make sense of the world. In other words, people interpret and encode their experiences through the lens of the media: they know what is socially acceptable, what is real, what is beautiful because television, music, movies, books, blogs, and magazines provide them with this information. This isn’t to say we’re all mindless drones without a single original thought, however–it only means we essentially would have no conception of what is “normal” or “right” if we didn’t learn what institutions, entities, and behaviors were associated with these ideas. Traditionally, a person’s community would teach her these things, and while the “it takes a village to raise a child” concept still applies, the media has now become one of the primary teachers in today’s modern world. What we create and consume therefore reveals certain truths, or perceived truths, about our society.

Before I move to an exploration of the different types of flirtationships, it’s necessary to trace this concept to its origins: platonic relationships between the sexes. From the romantic comedy that begot all other romantic comedies, we have the eternal question…can men and women ever really be friends? The wisdom of When Harry Met Sally…

Based on my own experience with every close guy friend I’ve ever had, I’m inclined to believe Harry’s right. At some point during the course of the friendship, either one person develops feelings or both people do. Yet even if those feelings never develop, there are always fleeting moments of attraction. The only foolproof male-female friendship seems to be the one a girl has with her gay best friend. Sex, whether performed or merely fantasized about, complicates supposedly platonic relationships between men and women.

How, then, are we able to have rebounds or transition guys? How can we just date multiple people casually, never becoming attached to any of them? In other words, how can fun, non-relationships exist?

Answer: No emotion. Put less harshly and more specifically, these types of romantic dealings have no friendship underlying the sexual attraction. There’s no attachment because the other person is merely an acquaintance or, as horrible as it sounds, something fun to play with when you’re bored. You go to great lengths, or sometimes even not-so-great lengths, to ensure your rebound/transition guy/f*ck buddy doesn’t become a real person to you–you know little to nothing about his family life, his hobbies, his favorite music, or his deepest hopes and insecurities. Such a flirtationship–if it can even be called that, considering it’s not even a friendship–is easy to start if you don’t know the person very well to begin with, but it’s almost impossible to go backwards and transform a friendship into this type of non-relationship. (We had this talk, didn’t we, Lauren?) Once you see a person’s humanity, it’s difficult to erase that from your mind, unless you’re some sort of sociopath. The rebound/transition guy/f*ck buddy is the definition of no strings attached, despite what many people may believe–no strings literally means no strings of any kind, not even of any semblance of friendship. No hangouts, no inside jokes, no emotional support. Ever. As Carrie discovers in Sex and the City, f*ck buddies aren’t meant to turn into relationships. How can you expect to have a relationship when you don’t even have a friendship?

Which I guess brings me to the point of this post (a point I admittedly didn’t realize I wanted to make until I started writing):

F*ck Buddies ≠ Friends With Benefits

There will definitely be people who will disagree with me on this one. Particularly if they’ve never been in a friends with benefits relationship, they’re going to assume the two terms are synonymous. Yet the fact of the matter is they’re not: the only similarity is that in both instances, you feel comfortable calling the other person for sex at 2:00 am (or at any time of day for that matter). With f*ck buddies, it ends there. With friends with benefits, that’s not even the half of it.

Friends with benefits is probably the quintessential flirtationship: it’s more than a friendship and less than a relationship. But first and foremost, it’s a friendship. Usually developing between people who have a good platonic relationship to begin with, friends with benefits is supposed to give you all the positive aspects of a relationship without the complications. You hook up, but you can still hang out and make fun of stupid movies–without having to meet the parents.

Contrary to popular belief, communication is essential to a friends with benefits arrangement. (Our parents seem to think this type of relationship signals a lack of communication, when in reality it’s quite the opposite.) Agreeing that this is your relationship status, this is what you are, should (in most cases) prevent anyone from getting hurt. But of course, nothing is ever that easy–because he’s not just a rebound you’re using for your own purposes or a one night stand that you’ll never see again. He’s your friend, and you can’t just throw him away when you’re done or stop spending time with him, especially if you run in the same circles. (Unless, of course, that’s how you treat your friends–which in that case means you have other issues to address.) You’re going to care about him on some level, whether you like it or not.

The two films I alluded to before–No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits, if you hadn’t already guessed–depict the ins and outs (no pun intended) of this type of relationship. After watching both, I’ve come to the conclusion that Friends With Benefits is not only funnier but also more realistic. From what I remember of No Strings Attached, the lead characters only spend time with each other to have sex and somehow, one develops feelings for the other (which I guess isn’t so unrealistic; sex always complicates things). But in Friends with Benefits, the protagonists’ friendship is what I remember: they go out for lunch and coffee, watch football together, have movie nights, reminisce about the music of their college years, make fun of each other for embarrassing obsessions of years past, talk about the heavy stuff, and even encourage each other to flirt and snag a date with someone else. All this, and they have great sex–with laugh-out-loud moments there, too. That’s what friends with benefits is–and that’s what distinguishes it from f*ck buddies. Which makes me think that despite what people say, maybe friends with benefits could turn into a relationship…but admittedly, that may just be my heart talking. But enough of that. Watch the trailer and you’ll get my point.

Before I move on, I have to say that I forgot one type of flirtationship: the pursuit, aka the chase, where two people are interested in each other but have yet to make a move. A video clip isn’t really necessary–just pick any random romantic comedy, watch the first 30 minutes, and there you have it.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Eventually, every flirtationship reaches a point where it must be defined, often because one partner has grown tired of the arrangement. We then get to the dreaded DTR (Defining The Relationship) talk, where the inevitable question arises: What are we? If, like at least half of the population, you’re like Tom in 500 Days of Summer, you’ll be told your partner doesn’t want a relationship right now. (Which of course leaves you thinking A) you’re an a**, B) did everything between us mean nothing, and C) do you just not want a relationship with me. It all sucks.) However, if you’re lucky like Rory in Gilmore Girls, you’ll get the something more you’re hoping for, which is really why anyone starts a DTR talk in the first place. It’s rough, but either way, it provides answers and closure–and ends the flirtationship.

This entire discussion leaves me wondering why it gets so complicated in the first place. The easy answer is sex–when you’re that intimate and vulnerable with someone, everything changes. But the real answer is that the consequences arise because men and women are different. We interpret relationships, and sex for that matter, differently. For most girls, sex is always emotional, and it’s extremely difficult for us to separate our feelings from the physical act. Every kiss, every touch, means something to us. For guys, it seems to be easier to see a kiss as just a kiss. It’s unfair, but that’s life. This clip from Friends puts a humorous spin on the whole thing, which I find necessary to help us get through it all.

Yet regardless of how complicated flirtationships can be, we’re going to continue to have them. My generation tends to be more fluid with its definition of relationships, or at the very least, we’re more open about and accepting of this fluidity than our parents ever were. Nonetheless, it’s human nature to want to categorize things, to want to bring some order to the chaos of life. Which is why I’ll continue to believe, and to stress, that friends with benefits ≠ f*ck buddies. Why? Because it’s not just sex. That’s what makes it so great and so difficult at the same time. Oh, the joys and tribulations of progressive thinking.

You’re the Only One that I Want

There’s something strange about taking naps on my living room couch. I had another dream today, and just like the last one, it made me believe in the power and productivity of REM sleep. And oddly enough, I had this dream as I was sleeping on said couch. Why I never dream like this when I’m actually sleeping for the night, or while I’m lying in my own bed, is a mystery to me, but that could be an entirely different issue that I’m not too interested in exploring at the moment. What’s more important is the recurring theme of these recent dreams.

Today’s dream was comprised of two unrelated parts, similar to the one I wrote about previously. In the first half of the dream, C. and I are in my apartment, talking and laughing in the living room. He takes my computer to check his email, and I go into the bedroom, grab a suitcase, and start packing. I’m sorting through drawers full of clothes and pack, among other items (which naturally I can’t pinpoint or remember), a gray blouse. We’re having a conversation despite being in different rooms, and although it’s not clear why I’m packing or where I’m going, I know he’s waiting for me so we can go somewhere. I’m excited and delighted the entire time, and we continue joking as this half of the dream fades away.

In the second portion of the dream, I’m going to the grocery store with a group of people, all of whom are taking a class with me in law school. My friend Rose–who I’m not that close to, so admittedly, seeing her in this dream is odd–is also part of this outing. As we cross the parking lot, I see my cousin in a dark green car, backing out of a parking space. We acknowledge each other but don’t say anything. I keep walking, and when I enter the store with my class, a professor is sitting at the door, handing back exam results. He hands me a packet, and it seems to be just samples of ideal answers. I walk past him and see a shelf to my right, which is full of bottles of water (the glass, restaurant-style kind, not plastic), each with varying amounts of liquid inside. I take one, which is nearly empty, but then place it back on the shelf almost immediately. The dream ends there.

It doesn’t take a professional psychologist to figure out what this dream is about: just like the last one, this dream is about my relationship with C. I’m not going to exhaustively list all the significant elements like I did in my last post, but of course, I found some interesting explanations on the same dream interpretation website I visited yesterday. Some of the more salient aspects:

• Bedroom: To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of yourself that you keep private and hidden. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations. [Now this is from me: Moving from the living room to the bedroom, and communicating between these two rooms, may indicate a desire to harmonize the public and private selves.] 
• Drawers: To see drawers in your dream signifies your inner and hidden state and being. In particular, a disorderly drawer represents internal chaos and turmoil while an orderly drawer signifies calmness. Alternatively, a drawer symbolizes your reserves. There is something that you have stored away, but are now ready to use or express. If the drawer is full, then it symbolizes your many resources. If the drawer is empty, then it denotes your need to fulfill your goals.
• Blouse: To wear or buy a blouse in your dream indicates that you are trying to express your emotions. Consider the color of the blouse for added significance. Also pay attention to the fit and style of the blouse for additional clues into your emotional state.
• Gray: Gray indicates fear, fright, depression, ill health, ambivalence and confusion. You may feel emotionally distant, isolated, or detached. Alternatively, the color gray symbolizes your individualism.
• Packing: To dream that you are packing signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues to rest or past relationships behind you. Alternatively, it represents the burdens that you carry.
• Computer: To see a computer in your dream symbolizes technology, information, and modern life. New areas of opportunities are being opened to you. Alternatively, computers represent a lack of individuality and a lack of emotions and feelings. Too often, you are just going along with the flow, without voicing your own opinions and views. You may also feel a depreciated sense of superiority. [Maybe this is the settling thing Lily keeps talking about.]
• Friend: To see friends in your dream signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. [Rose has always been an outspoken person for as long as I’ve known her–she’s never afraid to just say what she thinks. Hence, even though we aren’t that close, this aspect of her personality may be the reason why she appeared in my dream.]
• Store: To see or be in a grocery or convenience store in your dream suggests that you are emotionally and mentally strained. Alternatively, the dream means that you are brainstorming for some new ideas or looking at the various choices out there for you. The dream may be a pun on something that is in “store” for you. It could signify the inevitable.
• Market: To dream that you are in a market represents some emotional or physical need that you are currently lacking in your life. You may be in need of nurturance and some fulfillment. Consider the specific items that you are shopping for. Alternatively, the market signifies frugality.
• Water: To see water in your dream symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To see calm, clear water in your dream means that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.
• Bottle: To see a bottle in your dream indicates that you are pushing your feelings back inside rather than expressing them. The contents of the bottle represent the nature of the emotions. A bottle of champagne shows your need to socialize, while a bottle of poison signifies evil thoughts and a wine bottle symbolizes sexuality. To see an empty bottle denotes that you have exhausted your inner resources. You may be feeling drained and empty inside. [The bottles of water may carry several layers of meaning, assuming these definitions are relatively reliable. If water signifies knowledge and peace of mind, then the fact that it was in bottles could be indicative of a preference to avoid the truth, to stay in an illusion. Yet because I place the bottle back on the shelf in my dream, I may be ready, or at least willing, to face these things.]

Flirtationship: noun. More than a friendship, less than a relationship. (Thanks for that, Lily.)

Now I don’t really believe these dreams are revealing parts of my unconscious that I didn’t already know existed. I’ve always known these feelings–ambivalence, confusion, fear, a desire for something more–were there, and since the summer’s quickly coming to an end, this subject has been on my mind lately, which explains why it’s the focus of every dream I’ve had in the past two days. I know that my relationship with C., as it is now, could come to an end very quickly, and I have mixed feelings about that reality. I want us to move to the next step, but I don’t want us to go backwards. If we aren’t anything more, I don’t know if I can deal with us going back to truly being just friends. It’s going to be so hard, and I can see myself needing time away from him to really deal with it. But at the same time, I don’t want him out of my life–I can’t have him out of my life. Maybe this is why Lily accuses me of settling, of waiting for him to want what I want–and she keeps telling me to end it. But I can’t bring myself to do it. It hurts too much to think about, let alone actually do. I’m not even sure if I was actually settling, because during our senior year, the friends with benefits thing was working–like I’ve explained to close friends, we had no idea where we’d be after graduation, so it was better to just enjoy the time we had than to potentially put work into something that could break apart so easily. I compartmentalized a good amount of my feelings because it was easier–I didn’t have to think about what it would be like to not have him there. And in a sense, I was willing to do anything to keep us close, to keep us connected, even if it meant sacrificing the commitment I wanted. A part of me always believed, and still believes, that he wanted it, too but that he was letting his past hold him back. The fact that there were so many opportunities to end it–graduation, him moving to another part of the city, every moment in the past when he told me he felt guilty–and yet it still never ended is perplexing. Most people, including some of my friends, would just say the physical aspects of our relationship are what’s keeping him around–but my instinct tells me it’s more than that (unless that’s just me hoping it’s more than that…which it very well could be). Although I sometimes have my doubts, they disappear when he does things to suggest that he cares about me and our friendship: offering help and advice without being asked, making sure to never break plans he’s made with me, calling or texting when he says he will, keeping me safe (particularly during our undergrad years…South-Central, anyone?), encouraging me to visit more often, getting in touch with me through email when my phone broke last week so I knew I could reach him this way. I’ve probably left some stuff out, but you get the idea.

When I describe these circumstances to many of my friends, they see it as black and white: regardless of everything else, he hasn’t committed to you, so end it and move on, they say. Alyssa has told me this so many times, but she isn’t exactly that familiar with the depth of my feelings, primarily because I refrain from telling her. (She means well, but I still sense an air of judgment there.) Or, as Lily likes to say–particularly because she had a similar experience (although there are significant differences between hers and mine, for the record)–you can’t wait for him to be ready. While I’m all for sticking to your ideals, it’s easier said than done. Loving someone makes everything more complicated. Add to that how long this has been going on already, along with the fact that we are, for all intents and purposes, monogamous, and you’ve got yourself the definition of “it’s complicated.”

"Where Are We Going?": This is probably what the inside of my head looks like. That, or the treacherous terrain of relationships.

In one episode of Sex and the City, Carrie comes to the conclusion that we define our relationship with one person based on our relationship with another–in other words, what ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship. I can see where she’s coming from, but the problem is that the definition is then one-sided, which doesn’t exactly work when a relationship requires two people to be on the same page. But for argument’s sake, let’s assume she’s right. If this is the case, then the following fact about my relationship with C. is particularly salient: we aren’t officially together, so I could see someone else (and I have)…but I don’t want to see someone else. I tried that first with D., a football player who lived in my apartment complex, and then with E., a frat boy I met at the bar on campus. (This is completely off-topic, but just in case anyone’s wondering: it’s pure coincidence that all these guys’ names start with letters that come one right after the other in the alphabet. They’re real, I promise–this isn’t some LSAT logic game.) Every time, and even despite the fact that I could have had a nice run with E., I found myself comparing them to C. and missing the qualities I loved the most about him, which neither of them had, by the way. When Alex and I were on better terms, I discussed this issue with her, and she assured me that comparing current flames to exes is permissible because doing so gives you a better understanding of what you want and don’t want in a mate. Aside from alleviating my guilt about slipping into this common practice, her words also made me think about whether there really was something I didn’t like about these guys or whether I was just looking for something wrong.

D. was too aggressive–as they say, athletes are used to scoring on and off the field, and it was clear after only a few dates that all he wanted was to get in my pants. The “how was your day” texts were just a front. E., on the other hand, was spontaneous, fun, and easygoing–some of the things I love most about C. The constant attention he was giving me didn’t hurt either; we all want to be wanted, after all. But during dinner one night, it became clear to me that we were at different points in our lives: I was ready to transition into the real world, to assume the mantle of responsibility that is adulthood, while he was content to stay in college for as long as possible. He had also managed to do something that would severely affect his chances of getting into a reputable law school, which pretty much showed me that he had no concept of long-term planning. All of these elements branded him as immature and complacent. D. and E.’s deal-breakers were real, not some sort of imagined flaw–nothing reveals a deal-breaker better than a guy’s actions. If I wanted to make up a flaw, I could have thought of something less damaging and more ridiculous.

These experiences just confirm that C. was who I wanted all along, even though I could have easily dated someone else. He may not have always deserved it, but he’s had my heart for a long time. And that’s not something you can just shake off and forget about, no matter how many let’s-go-crazy-and-forget-about-him nights I have with Alyssa and Jade. (Thank you, Lauren, for always understanding this. You’re probably the only person who has and who still does.) He was my first in so many ways, and as they say, you never forget your first.

When I bought Adele’s newest album, 21, almost every song had some meaning for me, putting into words feelings I had spoken to only a handful of people. “Rolling in the Deep” lured me to this record: a friend of mine covered the song, and after hearing her version, I knew I needed to find the artist who wrote it. The hook said everything I couldn’t about my relationship with C., and it was particularly appropriate because of how close (we thought) we were to a goodbye: “the scars of your love remind me of us; they keep me thinking that we almost had it all…we could have had it all.”

I discovered “One and Only” when I first listened to 21 all the way through, and to date, no other song has expressed the entirety of my relationship with C. the way this one has. It’s almost as if I told Adele everything and she then proceeded to write about it. So for anyone I’ve fooled with my façade of “I’m fine; really, it’s no big deal”…well, here’s my vulnerability for you. (Skip ahead to 1:48 for the song.)

For the record, I didn’t anticipate this post being so long. But I would characterize it as self-reflection at its finest on this blog to date. I’ve finally been honest with myself, and I can see every thread that makes up the fabric of my deepest desires and motivations. But communicating all that to him? I’m not even sure if that’s a possibility, at least in its most complete form. God only knows.

Want

Our dreams tell us what we want--but only action in the waking world can turn what we want into what we have.

It’s funny how moments of clarity come in the most unexpected ways and at the most inopportune times. Well, maybe “inopportune” isn’t the right word, but let’s just say this particular moment of clarity came when I didn’t anticipate it would.

I didn’t realize it until I looked at my “Recent Posts” widget, but my last three posts have been about relationships. Granted, they’re all asides, but I guess that’s because I A) haven’t had much time to write a more involved post and B) feel like I don’t really know what to say, so it’s not worth communicating stream-of-consciousness, convoluted nonsense. Lately, though, I think I’m finally moving out of denial and into ownership/acceptance–or, at the very least, I’m acknowledging the possible presence of certain feelings. Currently, I’m listening to Adele because for whatever reason, her music speaks to me (yes, I know how New Age-y that sounds), and her work gives me the courage to be honest with myself about what I’m feeling (now that’s just true, regardless of how touchy-feely that sounds). Believe it or not, this post is a little difficult to write, probably because I consider the act of writing something down a means of rendering it permanent and real. Which then means that I need to finally confront some issues I’ve continually shoved under my bed for the past year, if not longer.

For centuries, people have believed that dreams hold the key to our subconscious: they allow us to discover aspects of ourselves and our lives that we may not be able to discern in our waking moments, and they provide a safe space to test certain courses of action. The query “dream interpretation” turns up 16.4 million results on Google, most of which are variations on dream dictionaries or more expensive dream analysis services. There are countless instances in literature where a character has a dream that is prophetic or cautionary in some way–perhaps among the most famous are Hamlet, Macbeth, and the Biblical tale of Joseph’s role as dream interpreter to the Egyptian pharaoh. To my knowledge, medical science has yet to fully explain why we dream, but regardless of the reason, the fact that we assign meaning to these images in our heads is significant.

I took a nap today and had my first dream in a long time. I can barely even remember the last time I remembered a dream this vividly and woke up thinking the events were taking place around me. I had a feeling this dream would be a significant one considering the elements that took center stage, so I jotted the primary symbols down on a Post-It. Yet as a writer, I know symbols are useless without their context–their meaning comes from how they fit together to create a narrative. So naturally, I can’t delve deeper into what my dream means without recounting what it was that I dreamt of.

The odd thing about this dream is that it isn’t entirely sequential. There are two parts, but how one transitioned to the other is an aspect I can’t remember, almost as if I were in one place, blinked, and found myself somewhere else. In the early portion of the dream, I’m in a van with two pieces of luggage, which are sitting behind the driver’s seat. I’m the only passenger, sitting one seat behind my luggage because there’s little leg room up front, and I never see the driver’s face. I’m taking the van to get to a ferry, which is supposed to take me to my final destination–for some reason, the trip was from New York to New Jersey. I can only remember feeling confused throughout the ride; I ended up making the trek from the van stop to the dock twice, never leaving the van either time. I’m also feeling a bit anxious, partially because I hear there’s a significant amount of snow along my route and partially because I’m texting C. and none of my replies are going through. I never end up getting to New Jersey, where I’m supposed to meet him.

In the second half of my dream, I’m in the living room of my apartment with a friend. We’re talking, and I receive an email on my phone from C., but for whatever reason, I’m afraid to open it. My friend–who doesn’t seem to be someone from my actual circle, considering I don’t even remember her face–excitedly encourages me to open it. I tell her I’m too nervous and I can’t, and I hand her my phone so she can read it for me. She looks at the email, smiles, and hands my phone back to me, with the message open. I read the email, and it ends with the following words in a graphic: “Baby, I love you.” I smile back at her, and we get up to leave. We’re gone for a few hours, and when we come back, I realize that my class ring and my pink pearl earrings are missing. The ring is completely gone, while all that’s left of the earrings is the silver setting, broken, in pieces, and missing the pearls. I become frantic, and the next thing I know, my apartment’s full of different women, all of whom have had the same thing happen to them and are determined to catch the thief. For whatever reason, the thieves, a mother and son, are people I know, and I find myself regretting my decision to invite them over at one point. My friend and I spend the rest of the dream running around a college campus, which isn’t USC, oddly enough, and although we find and collect tons of class rings, none of them are mine. I’m focused on finding my own ring, even making a point to check the engraving inside each one we find to see if it’s my name written inside the band. I never recover either of those stolen items of jewelry.

Trippy, right? Intuitively, I knew exactly what this dream was about. But being the former reporter and future attorney that I am, I wanted to do extra research to corroborate my interpretation. I do recognize that these online dream dictionaries aren’t necessarily the most reliable sources, but I clicked on the first hit Google turned up, and it seemed to be the most comprehensive I had seen.

Dream Symbols, Part 1

• Van: To see or drive a van in your dream symbolizes convenience and/or practicality. Consider the load that you are carrying and what you can handle. Don’t stress yourself out. 
• Bus Driver: To see a bus driver in your dream indicates leadership in some group idea or plan. Alternatively, it suggests that you are going around in circles and have shown little progress.
• Luggage: To see or carry luggage in your dream symbolizes the many desires, worries, responsibilities or needs that you are carrying with you and that are weighing you down. The size or weight of the luggage parallels the demands you are facing. You need to reduce your desires and problems in order to alleviate the pressure you are putting on yourself. Perhaps you feel that you are being held back by past emotions or issues. Alternatively, luggage symbolizes your identity and sense of security.
• Ferry: To dream that you are waiting for a ferry signifies unforeseen circumstances that might hinder your desires and wishes.
• Snow:  To see snow in your dream signifies your inhibitions, unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. Alternatively, snow means that you are feeling indifferent, alone and neglected.
• Text Message: To dream that you are sending or receiving a text message represents your connection to others and your network of friendships. The dream may also allude to romance. Alternatively, text messages represent messages from your unconscious.
• Cell Phone: To see or use a cell phone in your dream indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility. Alternatively, the dream signifies lack of understanding. Perhaps you are having difficulties getting through to someone.
• Telephone: To see or hear a telephone in your dream signifies a message from your unconscious or some sort of telepathic communication. You may be forced to confront issues which you have been avoiding. Alternatively, the telephone represents your communication and relationship with others. If there is no dial tone or the phone is left off the hook, then the dream indicates that you are shutting yourself out. You are experiencing difficulties in getting your thoughts and feelings across. To dream that you are having a telephone conversation with someone you know signifies an issue that you need to confront with that person. This issue may have to do with letting go of some part of yourself. If you are put on hold, then the dream is a metaphor for being taken for granted or being unable to freely express yourself.
• Can’t Make Phone Call: [A response to dreams described by another visitor to the site] In dreams, the telephone reflects the connection you have with a situation or relationship. Your difficulties in getting a hold of your boyfriend are telling of some communication problems that you may be having with him in your waking relationship. Sometimes you feel that your boyfriend is unreachable or that he is not always there for you. […] Although you may have difficulties in communicating verbally, you two seem to connect on a deeper level. [In her dream, this visitor’s boyfriend always managed to reach her even when she couldn’t reach him, or he showed up when she needed him.] The telephone is also symbolic of a telepathic message or spiritual communication. In both your dream accounts, your boyfriend seemed to have known that you were trying to contact him. Deep inside you know your boyfriend will be there for you in your time of need, but sometimes you need that physical reassurance.

Dream Symbols, Part 2

• Living Room: To dream that you are in the living room represents the image that you portray to others and the way you go about your life. It is representative of your basic beliefs about yourself and who you are. Alternatively, the living room is indicative of your freedom and space. This is the boundary between your personal self and your public self.
• House: To dream that your house is broken into suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some unconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied.
• Friend: To see friends in your dream signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news.
• Email: To dream about email indicates that you need to reach out to people who may not necessarily always physically be around. It could also very well mean that you have been spending too much time in front of the computer and this has carried over into your dreams.
• Love Note: To receive a love note in your dream symbolizes a budding new love that is blossoming in your life. Alternatively, the dream may mean that you are seeking some reassurance or reinforcement about a new relationship. You are feeling insecure.
• Jewelry: To see jewelry in your dream signifies status and your own sense of self-worth and personal value. It is also symbolic of knowledge, identity, or whatever qualities you hold precious in your life. Jewelry highlights the importance of spiritual and psychological riches. If you dream of a specific piece of jewelry that you own, then it symbolizes aspects of a waking relationship. To see broken jewelry in your dream signifies disappointment in achieving your goals and attaining your highest desires.
• Ring: To see or receive a ring in your dream symbolizes emotional wholeness, continuity, commitments and honor. To dream that you lose a ring or someone has stolen your ring represents insecurity. You may be losing interest in some relationship or issue.
• Earrings: To see broken earrings in your dreams suggests that someone is talking about you.
• Woman: To see a woman in your dream represents nurturance, passivity, a caring nature, and love. It refers to your own female aspects or your mother. Alternatively, a woman indicates temptation and guilt. If you know the woman, then it may reflect concerns and feelings you have about her. To see a group of women talking in your dream refers to some gossip.
• Man: To see a man in your dream denotes the aspect of yourself that is assertive, rational, aggressive and/or competitive. Perhaps you need to incorporate these aspects into your own character. If the man is known to you, then the dream may reflect the feelings and concerns you have about him.
• Thief: To dream that you are a witness to a theft or a victim of theft indicates that someone is wasting your time and/or stealing your energy and ideas. Perhaps you feel robbed in some way.

Significance of Feelings in Both Parts of the Dream

• Anxiety: To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts,  unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous in mixing business with pleasure.
• Confusion: To dream that you are confused may reflect your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your dream.  Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion signify that you are being pulled in opposite directions or do not know which viewpoint is right.
• Update, July 27, 2011: I didn’t realize it until I thought back to the contents of this dream, but the number two appears prominently several times–two pieces of luggage, two trips to the dock and back, two pieces of stolen jewelry, two thieves. According to this same dream dictionary, the number two “stands for balance, diversity, partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength. The world is seen as being made up of dualities and opposites, as in the male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang, etc.” Very interesting.

In a word, this dream has helped me realize what I truly want, because nothing is more honest than our subconscious. We don’t control what we think and feel when we dream; it all just kind of happens and envelops us in the emotions and thoughts we’re too afraid to confront in our waking lives. The lack of control I had over what would come out of my mind in this instance has, more than any profound conversation I’ve ever had with a friend, pushed me to be more honest with myself, possibly because the messages I needed to hear came from me instead of from someone else.

It’s clear, but even now I can barely bring myself to write it: I want a relationship, a commitment, from C. And I care about him more than I realize…and probably even more than I’d like to admit. (Holy sh*t, that was hard. Seriously, I sat here for about ten minutes before I could type that out. Damn.)

Completely answering all those questions I posed in the last few asides is going to take more than one post, so I’m not even going to pretend I’m going to address them all here. For now, though, I know enough to say that a huge part of what drives much of the action I’ve taken, or haven’t taken, in my relationship with C. is fear–and I realize how unhealthy that sounds, but really, it’s not what you think. When I say I act or react partially out of fear, I mean that I choose to do or say certain things–or, in some cases, not to do or say certain things–because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t, and ultimately, I’m afraid of not having him in my life, at least with the same type of connection we have now. We’re finally in a really good place, probably the best we’ve ever been in, and I don’t want to ruin it with another DTR talk. (Past experience has traumatized me to some degree, I’m sure.) Yet at the same time, I know we need to have this talk, and ironically enough, now is probably the best time to have it because of how great everything’s going–we’re the closest and most comfortable we’ve been with each other in a while. But that doesn’t make it any easier, because at the end of the day, I’m still terrified that I’m going to lose him and that being friends–in the strictly platonic sense–isn’t even going to be possible anymore. I don’t know how to get over this fear, and I wish there was a quick fix. But I guess everything worth having is inherently difficult to obtain–that’s where its value is supposed to come from, or so they say.

I feel like I’m lost in my own head more and more these days. I even tried to write this dream off as being coincidental because I happened to spend time with C. twice in the past three days. But of course, this dream isn’t simply a by-product of our increased time together–it was a long time coming, I’m sure. My recent playlist choices are indicative of that fact.

One of my asides mentioned Rihanna’s latest hit “California King Bed,” which I connected with immediately upon hearing it. This kind of thing rarely happens when I listen to songs for the first time, so the fact that it occurred with Rihanna’s most recent release is telling. I definitely get what she’s talking about here–there was a point where I felt that distant from C., even though we were physically close. The line “So confused, wanna ask you if you love me, but I don’t wanna seem so weak–maybe I’ve been California dreaming” is a relatively accurate reflection of my own internal conflict.

About a week or so before I had “California King Bed” on repeat, I was watching videos of Adele’s performance in London for the iTunes Music Festival. Apple released an EP of her set, and one of the most popular downloads was her cover of Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” I looked up the video, watched the performance, and was surprised to find myself in tears at the end of it. The lyrics express some of my deepest fears in terms of my relationship with C., when the ecstasy of a perfect moment slowly slips into the dread and sadness of it all ending as quickly and as easily as it began.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle all this. But for now, I at least know what I want. The only question that remains is whether I want it enough to risk losing what we have now, which has taken so long for us to get to in the first place. And if the answer is yes, I need to determine how and when to ask for it. And I have to be ready for the consequences, whatever they may be. That’s the scary part–not knowing what those outcomes will be as well as not having the same level of connection we have now. I realize now that I want things to change, but at the same time, in some sense I don’t. Reconciling all these feelings is going to be messy. But I know it has to be done.

What Do You Want From Me?

Read some of Lily’s most recent blog posts, where she alludes to her potential fling for the year. Her comments–namely “I am who I am; I refuse to compete”–got me thinking about my own approach to relationships. Again, this subject will require a longer post, but for now: How much are we allowed to expect of a person before we officially get involved with him? Is the choice to compete, or not to compete, indicative of those expectations? Can’t some of our romantic involvement be fun, non-relationships? Does such a thing even exist? All questions to be answered after much self-reflection.

10,000 Miles Apart?

Keep hitting the replay button on Rihanna’s “California King Bed” video and just purchased the song yesterday…meaning I can now take it with me wherever I go. There’s something about it that gets me…reflective of my current state of mind, perhaps? More on this later.

2:00 AM Epiphanies

Just finished a two-hour, mind-blowing conversation with Lauren about life and relationships–a wakeup call, a kick in the ass, and loving support all rolled into one. Some issues to reflect on: Is he a project? Why has this continued for so long when there were many opportunities for an ending? Am I settling for possibly being second choice? Why have I stayed? What do I want, why, and how do I say it? Damn. Life is complicated.

The Value of Personal Networks

Received some great OCI advice today from a former coworker, who’s now interning at Paul Hastings, one of the largest corporate law firms in Downtown L.A. (One nugget to definitely remember: always sign the sign-in sheets at info sessions. Not that I wasn’t doing that before, but it’s good to know recruiters actually keep and reference those.) She was kind enough to offer more advice and help down the road–the Trojan Family at work. Winning!

Good News Can Be News

As a journalist, I generally judge news outlets that find it necessary to run warm and fuzzy stories about lost kittens that have been returned home, dogs that saved their owners’ lives, or young children with a desire to help the less fortunate: the running joke is typically, “Guess it was a slow news day.” As awful as it sounds–especially considering the recent Murdoch/News Corp. scandal–subjects largely considered depressing, controversial, or frustrating make the best news stories because they tend to generate more traffic. As much as people say they want happier, more uplifting stories, their news consumption practices tell us otherwise. Yet every now and then, you come across a great feature article about someone somewhere doing something great–and by great I mean interesting, innovative, and beneficial to society. So despite the resignation of the Scotland Yard commissioner and the realization that News Corp. corruption possibly reaches into the highest levels of law enforcement and government, today seems like one of those days.

The justice system seems to be attempting to keep up with the growing complexity of today’s hot-button issues, at least in some jurisdictions. The New York Times ran a story about  a court program in New York focused on rehabilitating veterans who get into trouble with the law after returning home. The article profiles one veteran, who suffers from severe post-traumatic stress disorder and eventually attempted suicide by cop, as law enforcement has termed it: because of the program, he won’t be getting prison time and instead will be receiving the treatment he needs, with the felony either being expunged from his record or downgraded to a misdemeanor upon successful completion of the court-ordered program. Despite criticism that this type of program may transform PTSD into a “get out of jail free” card, the judge who founded this special court for veterans should be commended for upholding the responsibility this country has to the people it sends to fight its wars. PTSD should be an exception, especially when criminal behavior can be traced directly to its effects. It seems like New York is becoming the site of revolutionary social change these days (look no further than the recent legalization of gay marriage)–let’s hope the rest of the country follows its lead.

Another encouraging story in the New York Times today: a government official in India is hoping to increase transparency and voters’ confidence in the system by installing a webcam in his office, which will remain on and accessible to the public 24/7. From the article’s description, it sounds like C-SPAN on a smaller scale–and without sound, supposedly, the official says, so his colleagues can feel comfortable entering his office and speaking with him freely. In that case, I’m not sure how much of a deterrent against corruption the webcam’s presence will be: after all, as the article points out, bribes can easily be exchanged outside the office door, and in my view, duplicitous deals can also be made in plain sight, as long as the footage appears ordinary and routine. Nonetheless, the webcam is a step in the right direction, and even though such a system isn’t in place nationally, it should at least have some effect on local corruption.

Power Trip

To borrow from Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility.” If today’s news items are any indication, it’s clear that Peter Parker wasn’t the only one who had trouble internalizing and applying that lesson. Aside from countering this problem directly, with investigations and lawsuits if necessary, the best most of us can do is keep tabs on growing sources of power in hopes of anticipating their next move. And of course, the next move doesn’t have to be a malicious or unethical one–but it’s good to be prepared.

First, a story that I’ve heard many times before but never quite understood until now: as a law student, I know legal education costs a fortune (just ask my parents), but the economics behind that reality were a well-kept secret–that is, until I read this New York Times article. David Segal’s explanation of the law school profit-making machine is enlightening, to say the least. The incentive to keep costs high comes, almost to no surprise, largely from the U.S. News & World Report rankings: the more money a school spends on its students (i.e., the more it costs to educate those students), the higher the likelihood that its ranking will increase, or at least remain in the same place for the next year. While I can understand the theory behind this part of the U.S. News algorithm–more money spent on students should indicate a higher degree of attention to student needs and more resources, right?–it’s a dangerous component. I know every stakeholder in the law school game contributes to the deadly cycle of rankings-fueled choices and evaluations, but it doesn’t help to give law school administrations yet another reason to feed their obsession about the rankings. In the end, it means they charge students higher fees: the fact that the cost of legal education has risen 317 percent over my lifetime, according to Segal, is appalling compared to college tuition’s mere 71 percent increase for the same period. Add to this fact larger class sizes, particularly for third-tier schools, and sub-par career services offices and it’s easy to see why post-grad life is so dismal for many students. It shouldn’t be this way, especially because a law degree is considered by most students to be a ticket to a better job and, by extension, a better standard of living. As the training ground for future attorneys, law schools have a responsibility to equip students with everything they need to succeed and to make this the priority rather than a higher ranking or more donations. Realistically, I understand a law school needs both of those things in order to survive, but students shouldn’t have to suffer so dramatically for it, especially considering how much we’re paying to join this elite community of professionals. We deserve better than that. I’m hoping the fact that I’ll be attending a private law school ranked in the Top 20 will count for something, in terms of my experience as well as my job prospects, but it’s good to read stories like this for that extra motivation to be personally responsible for my own success, especially considering the shortcomings of the establishment.

Next, more updates and opinions on the Rupert Murdoch/News Corp. scandal: two telling op-eds in the Los Angeles Times, one about the enduring power of newspapers and another about British society’s appetite for salacious, albeit unethically gathered, gossip news. The first, by Mike Hoyt, calls for newspapers to remember their crusading days during times of great social upheaval and to refashion those objectives for today’s reporting. I’m not sure whether newspapers are still as powerful today as they were during the Civil Rights Movement, as Hoyt seems to be saying, but he makes a valid point: they could be, if they stopped trying to please everyone and dared to take a stand every now and then. Yet at the same time, it’s hard to fault dailies for treading the middle ground. Competition from digital media sources, along with their old rival, television, requires them to attract as many readers and subscribers as possible in order to keep their heads above water. There’s no sense in crusading if the vehicle for that fight is run into the ground–or bankruptcy, more accurately. But either way, it’s true that newspapers have a responsibility to do the kind of investigative reporting and social criticism that is expected of them, because the sheer prospect of a resurgence in their influence could mean big things for everyone. This fact is what makes the conduct of reporters working for News Corp. publications so disturbing: their unethical (and frankly, illegal by American standards) tactics are as much the fault of the laissez-faire news establishment as they are the fault of a public so wrapped up in the gossip that it doesn’t consider, or perhaps doesn’t even care, how the information was obtained. These tabloids, despite their lack of real news stories, had a far-reaching influence, both over readers’ evaluations of public figures as well as on those public figures, who knew what reporters were willing to do to get the story. This is the type of influence Hoyt warns against–and in an effort to Americanize this story, U.S. journalists should take note of how Murdoch’s media empire is unraveling and how easily their own news organizations could crumble if similar foul play was discovered there.

Finally, some encouraging news about an area to watch: Silicon Valley may be experiencing yet another boom, with all signs pointing to success similar to that of the previous dot-com boom–but without the devastating aftermath. The difference seems to be private investors who know and understand how these growing tech companies function as well as the risk involved in funding them. The power of technology rears its (possibly) ugly head again. This time, however, investors’ growing interest means more jobs and more perks for employees. Considering I’m hoping to go into intellectual property law, this is a story I’ll continue following–expect updates!