There’s something strange about taking naps on my living room couch. I had another dream today, and just like the last one, it made me believe in the power and productivity of REM sleep. And oddly enough, I had this dream as I was sleeping on said couch. Why I never dream like this when I’m actually sleeping for the night, or while I’m lying in my own bed, is a mystery to me, but that could be an entirely different issue that I’m not too interested in exploring at the moment. What’s more important is the recurring theme of these recent dreams.
Today’s dream was comprised of two unrelated parts, similar to the one I wrote about previously. In the first half of the dream, C. and I are in my apartment, talking and laughing in the living room. He takes my computer to check his email, and I go into the bedroom, grab a suitcase, and start packing. I’m sorting through drawers full of clothes and pack, among other items (which naturally I can’t pinpoint or remember), a gray blouse. We’re having a conversation despite being in different rooms, and although it’s not clear why I’m packing or where I’m going, I know he’s waiting for me so we can go somewhere. I’m excited and delighted the entire time, and we continue joking as this half of the dream fades away.
In the second portion of the dream, I’m going to the grocery store with a group of people, all of whom are taking a class with me in law school. My friend Rose–who I’m not that close to, so admittedly, seeing her in this dream is odd–is also part of this outing. As we cross the parking lot, I see my cousin in a dark green car, backing out of a parking space. We acknowledge each other but don’t say anything. I keep walking, and when I enter the store with my class, a professor is sitting at the door, handing back exam results. He hands me a packet, and it seems to be just samples of ideal answers. I walk past him and see a shelf to my right, which is full of bottles of water (the glass, restaurant-style kind, not plastic), each with varying amounts of liquid inside. I take one, which is nearly empty, but then place it back on the shelf almost immediately. The dream ends there.
It doesn’t take a professional psychologist to figure out what this dream is about: just like the last one, this dream is about my relationship with C. I’m not going to exhaustively list all the significant elements like I did in my last post, but of course, I found some interesting explanations on the same dream interpretation website I visited yesterday. Some of the more salient aspects:
- Bedroom: To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of yourself that you keep private and hidden. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations. [Now this is from me: Moving from the living room to the bedroom, and communicating between these two rooms, may indicate a desire to harmonize the public and private selves.]
- Drawers: To see drawers in your dream signifies your inner and hidden state and being. In particular, a disorderly drawer represents internal chaos and turmoil while an orderly drawer signifies calmness. Alternatively, a drawer symbolizes your reserves. There is something that you have stored away, but are now ready to use or express. If the drawer is full, then it symbolizes your many resources. If the drawer is empty, then it denotes your need to fulfill your goals.
- Blouse: To wear or buy a blouse in your dream indicates that you are trying to express your emotions. Consider the color of the blouse for added significance. Also pay attention to the fit and style of the blouse for additional clues into your emotional state.
- Gray: Gray indicates fear, fright, depression, ill health, ambivalence and confusion. You may feel emotionally distant, isolated, or detached. Alternatively, the color gray symbolizes your individualism.
- Packing: To dream that you are packing signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues to rest or past relationships behind you. Alternatively, it represents the burdens that you carry.
- Computer: To see a computer in your dream symbolizes technology, information, and modern life. New areas of opportunities are being opened to you. Alternatively, computers represent a lack of individuality and a lack of emotions and feelings. Too often, you are just going along with the flow, without voicing your own opinions and views. You may also feel a depreciated sense of superiority. [Maybe this is the settling thing Lily keeps talking about.]
- Friend: To see friends in your dream signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. [Rose has always been an outspoken person for as long as I’ve known her–she’s never afraid to just say what she thinks. Hence, even though we aren’t that close, this aspect of her personality may be the reason why she appeared in my dream.]
- Store: To see or be in a grocery or convenience store in your dream suggests that you are emotionally and mentally strained. Alternatively, the dream means that you are brainstorming for some new ideas or looking at the various choices out there for you. The dream may be a pun on something that is in “store” for you. It could signify the inevitable.
- Market: To dream that you are in a market represents some emotional or physical need that you are currently lacking in your life. You may be in need of nurturance and some fulfillment. Consider the specific items that you are shopping for. Alternatively, the market signifies frugality.
- Water: To see water in your dream symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To see calm, clear water in your dream means that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.
- Bottle: To see a bottle in your dream indicates that you are pushing your feelings back inside rather than expressing them. The contents of the bottle represent the nature of the emotions. A bottle of champagne shows your need to socialize, while a bottle of poison signifies evil thoughts and a wine bottle symbolizes sexuality. To see an empty bottle denotes that you have exhausted your inner resources. You may be feeling drained and empty inside. [The bottles of water may carry several layers of meaning, assuming these definitions are relatively reliable. If water signifies knowledge and peace of mind, then the fact that it was in bottles could be indicative of a preference to avoid the truth, to stay in an illusion. Yet because I place the bottle back on the shelf in my dream, I may be ready, or at least willing, to face these things.]
Flirtationship: noun. More than a friendship, less than a relationship. (Thanks for that, Lily.)
Now I don’t really believe these dreams are revealing parts of my unconscious that I didn’t already know existed. I’ve always known these feelings–ambivalence, confusion, fear, a desire for something more–were there, and since the summer’s quickly coming to an end, this subject has been on my mind lately, which explains why it’s the focus of every dream I’ve had in the past two days. I know that my relationship with C., as it is now, could come to an end very quickly, and I have mixed feelings about that reality. I want us to move to the next step, but I don’t want us to go backwards. If we aren’t anything more, I don’t know if I can deal with us going back to truly being just friends. It’s going to be so hard, and I can see myself needing time away from him to really deal with it. But at the same time, I don’t want him out of my life–I can’t have him out of my life. Maybe this is why Lily accuses me of settling, of waiting for him to want what I want–and she keeps telling me to end it. But I can’t bring myself to do it. It hurts too much to think about, let alone actually do. I’m not even sure if I was actually settling, because during our senior year, the friends with benefits thing was working–like I’ve explained to close friends, we had no idea where we’d be after graduation, so it was better to just enjoy the time we had than to potentially put work into something that could break apart so easily. I compartmentalized a good amount of my feelings because it was easier–I didn’t have to think about what it would be like to not have him there. And in a sense, I was willing to do anything to keep us close, to keep us connected, even if it meant sacrificing the commitment I wanted. A part of me always believed, and still believes, that he wanted it, too but that he was letting his past hold him back. The fact that there were so many opportunities to end it–graduation, him moving to another part of the city, every moment in the past when he told me he felt guilty–and yet it still never ended is perplexing. Most people, including some of my friends, would just say the physical aspects of our relationship are what’s keeping him around–but my instinct tells me it’s more than that (unless that’s just me hoping it’s more than that…which it very well could be). Although I sometimes have my doubts, they disappear when he does things to suggest that he cares about me and our friendship: offering help and advice without being asked, making sure to never break plans he’s made with me, calling or texting when he says he will, keeping me safe (particularly during our undergrad years…South-Central, anyone?), encouraging me to visit more often, getting in touch with me through email when my phone broke last week so I knew I could reach him this way. I’ve probably left some stuff out, but you get the idea.
When I describe these circumstances to many of my friends, they see it as black and white: regardless of everything else, he hasn’t committed to you, so end it and move on, they say. Alyssa has told me this so many times, but she isn’t exactly that familiar with the depth of my feelings, primarily because I refrain from telling her. (She means well, but I still sense an air of judgment there.) Or, as Lily likes to say–particularly because she had a similar experience (although there are significant differences between hers and mine, for the record)–you can’t wait for him to be ready. While I’m all for sticking to your ideals, it’s easier said than done. Loving someone makes everything more complicated. Add to that how long this has been going on already, along with the fact that we are, for all intents and purposes, monogamous, and you’ve got yourself the definition of “it’s complicated.”
"Where Are We Going?": This is probably what the inside of my head looks like. That, or the treacherous terrain of relationships.
In one episode of Sex and the City, Carrie comes to the conclusion that we define our relationship with one person based on our relationship with another–in other words, what ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship. I can see where she’s coming from, but the problem is that the definition is then one-sided, which doesn’t exactly work when a relationship requires two people to be on the same page. But for argument’s sake, let’s assume she’s right. If this is the case, then the following fact about my relationship with C. is particularly salient: we aren’t officially together, so I could see someone else (and I have)…but I don’t want to see someone else. I tried that first with D., a football player who lived in my apartment complex, and then with E., a frat boy I met at the bar on campus. (This is completely off-topic, but just in case anyone’s wondering: it’s pure coincidence that all these guys’ names start with letters that come one right after the other in the alphabet. They’re real, I promise–this isn’t some LSAT logic game.) Every time, and even despite the fact that I could have had a nice run with E., I found myself comparing them to C. and missing the qualities I loved the most about him, which neither of them had, by the way. When Alex and I were on better terms, I discussed this issue with her, and she assured me that comparing current flames to exes is permissible because doing so gives you a better understanding of what you want and don’t want in a mate. Aside from alleviating my guilt about slipping into this common practice, her words also made me think about whether there really was something I didn’t like about these guys or whether I was just looking for something wrong.
D. was too aggressive–as they say, athletes are used to scoring on and off the field, and it was clear after only a few dates that all he wanted was to get in my pants. The “how was your day” texts were just a front. E., on the other hand, was spontaneous, fun, and easygoing–some of the things I love most about C. The constant attention he was giving me didn’t hurt either; we all want to be wanted, after all. But during dinner one night, it became clear to me that we were at different points in our lives: I was ready to transition into the real world, to assume the mantle of responsibility that is adulthood, while he was content to stay in college for as long as possible. He had also managed to do something that would severely affect his chances of getting into a reputable law school, which pretty much showed me that he had no concept of long-term planning. All of these elements branded him as immature and complacent. D. and E.’s deal-breakers were real, not some sort of imagined flaw–nothing reveals a deal-breaker better than a guy’s actions. If I wanted to make up a flaw, I could have thought of something less damaging and more ridiculous.
These experiences just confirm that C. was who I wanted all along, even though I could have easily dated someone else. He may not have always deserved it, but he’s had my heart for a long time. And that’s not something you can just shake off and forget about, no matter how many let’s-go-crazy-and-forget-about-him nights I have with Alyssa and Jade. (Thank you, Lauren, for always understanding this. You’re probably the only person who has and who still does.) He was my first in so many ways, and as they say, you never forget your first.
When I bought Adele’s newest album, 21, almost every song had some meaning for me, putting into words feelings I had spoken to only a handful of people. “Rolling in the Deep” lured me to this record: a friend of mine covered the song, and after hearing her version, I knew I needed to find the artist who wrote it. The hook said everything I couldn’t about my relationship with C., and it was particularly appropriate because of how close (we thought) we were to a goodbye: “the scars of your love remind me of us; they keep me thinking that we almost had it all…we could have had it all.”
I discovered “One and Only” when I first listened to 21 all the way through, and to date, no other song has expressed the entirety of my relationship with C. the way this one has. It’s almost as if I told Adele everything and she then proceeded to write about it. So for anyone I’ve fooled with my façade of “I’m fine; really, it’s no big deal”…well, here’s my vulnerability for you. (Skip ahead to 1:48 for the song.)
For the record, I didn’t anticipate this post being so long. But I would characterize it as self-reflection at its finest on this blog to date. I’ve finally been honest with myself, and I can see every thread that makes up the fabric of my deepest desires and motivations. But communicating all that to him? I’m not even sure if that’s a possibility, at least in its most complete form. God only knows.
Suit Yourself 