There’s no denying that women love labels–and not just on their clothes. In the opening scene of the Sex and the City movie, Carrie Bradshaw struts through the streets of New York, her audacious fashion sense on display for all to see, and her now famous voiceover tells us that women come to the city looking for two things: labels and love. And as the film–and life–goes on to show us, those things often go hand in hand.
As much as I believe my generation has embraced the label-less relationship to the point where it’s become old news, I know that for many of us, the default option is to label everything. This practice is probably influenced partially by tradition and partially by the very human desire to categorize in order to understand. There’s also a certainty that comes with assigning a label to something: we know what it is, what it’s supposed to be, what’s expected of us, and what we can reasonably expect. Without a label, you may find yourself drifting.
Yet at the same time, I can’t say that I entirely agree with the sense of urgency that some women feel to label their romantic relationships. I will admit, however, that at certain points in my life I have felt that urgency, inevitably asking, “What are we?” and “Where is this going?” But several bad experiences with the DTR talk have taught me that while it’s completely justified to want to label your relationship, you need to be prepared for whatever will result from that difficult conversation. In other words, you need to be OK with losing the other person. And if you can’t handle that possibility, then it may be a good idea to rethink the talk altogether. But of course, you then have to be fine with ignoring your own legitimate need for a label. It’s a classic Catch-22.
I’ve marginally addressed this issue in prior posts and certainly thought about it many times in the past, but, as always seems to be the case with these things, a Thought Catalog post pushed me to confront the issue directly. The title says it all: “Kind Of, Sort Of Dating, Maybe?” There it was, a counterargument to my tolerance of label-less relationships. Essentially, the author argues that allowing such a relationship to continue can only spell trouble for everyone involved:
It’s similar to when you’re spaced out driving and the green light abruptly turns yellow, but you’re too close to make a sudden stop and too far away to coast through the light easily. It’s uncomfortable as hell but the one thing a driver can’t do in such a scenario is continue moving at the same pace. A decision must be made — and a firm one, at that. When dating it’s the same scenario. A choice is necessary; either slam on the brakes and come to a screeching halt or put the pedal to the metal and power through quickly. Sadly it’s far more common to move forward indecisively and get smacked by love in the intersection, with the force of a semi truck.
So why don’t people stop when they know they’re in between dating? Well if we’re being honest with ourselves, it’s not because we don’t know what to do. In fact, we know damn well what we should do. The truth is you still want their attention, don’t want them to end up elsewhere, straight up hate being alone, or something of that nature. We’re weak, we’re in need, we’re in the moment — but most of all, we’re human. . . .
It requires a great deal of willpower to take the scissors, cut the cord and avoid ever having a relapse during a moment of weakness.
The other option is going full force and using sheer power to get to a point where you’re comfortable. This is hazardous too. The risk is there because some folks exaggerate and, to add to the “coolness” of their image, will take your genuine, heartfelt action and twist it into a crazy, psycho type story. . . .
And so, because there’s probably going to be some struggle regardless of what is done, people choose to do nothing at all. It seems easier to just let things run their course naturally, and not stop or speed up the process any. This is why you see so many people uncertain about what they’re involved in. Some are mostly in it for hookups; others spend a substantial amount of time together but never take it to the next level. And then there are those who literally perform the actions of a relationship: dinner, movies, hugs, kisses, sweet nothings, sex — but no label or commitment. The openness of tag-less, promise-less connection is a killer.
Space and uncertainty leaves room for both parties to stray or other people to wedge their way into the picture. And when that happens, feelings get hurt, emotions are realized and bridges burn to the ground.
The author’s arguments aren’t lost on me. I’ve learned over the years that more often than not, he’s right. “It’s complicated” doesn’t even begin to describe it, and that’s usually because feelings develop later, or they were there to begin with but were sacrificed. Either way, it leads to a messy ending, and it’s truly a miracle if a friendship can even survive something like that.
But I have to say that there is value in letting things run their course. Taking this route does not necessarily indicate that a person is complacent, weak, insecure, or afraid of being alone. Sometimes, it means that things are particularly good right now, and if you push too hard, it could all crumble. There’s nothing inherently wrong with enjoying a relationship for what it is, even if there is no label. Love can’t be quantified, and to suggest that it’s less valuable or legitimate because there isn’t a label attached to it at this very moment is ridiculous. Some relationships need to progress gradually, in their own time. The point is that they are progressing–in time, they may acquire a label. If they do, great. If they don’t, and things plateau, perhaps that’s when a decision should be made. But there shouldn’t be any pressure to cut off a label-less relationship. Depending on where a person is in her life, the lack of a label may be appropriate. That may not be true several years down the road, but there’s no shame and no harm in enjoying it now if that’s what she wants.
As much as this concept flies against traditional thinking on the subject, I’m going to say it: demanding a label can easily jeopardize a relationship, and when a relationship is progressing wonderfully, it’s completely reasonable to let it run its course rather than trying to rush it along. The best relationships often develop organically, and so by definition, they will be label-less for some time. Letting things happen naturally is not necessarily a sign of weakness–in some ways, it’s a sign of patience, which is an indicator of maturity. With this caveat, of course: don’t try so hard, but only when it feels right not to try so hard. Your gut never lies, especially when feelings are involved.
There is value to living in the moment. It’s a cliché for a reason. Another cliché: if things are meant to be, they’ll be–label or no label.
Suit Yourself 