BFF(N): Best Friends…For Now

Anyone who’s really picked my brain (or read my blog posts) knows I’m an avid Thought Catalog reader. There’s just something about that site that often (and sometimes simultaneously) makes me laugh, cry, reevaluate, regroup, and contemplate certain aspects of my life. It’s not like any of the writers are necessarily more experienced or wiser than me, but there’s something about having your thoughts or a certain inexplicable feeling conveyed to you through someone else’s words and perspective that makes you stop and say, “Huh…so that’s what that is. I think I get it now.” I suppose it also helps that most of their writers are fellow twenty-somethings who are trying to navigate through life the same way most of our generation is: post-college, pursuing our careers, punctuating our new “adult” lives with nights of craziness (defined however we desire). So there’s always someone who gets you, either in your actual life or in the virtual universe of Thought Catalog.

The posts I keep coming across and making mental notes to save and write about all seem to have a similar theme, i.e. they all involve ways to make my twenty-something life more fun, complete, satisfying etc. I’m told there are at least 21 ways I should take advantage of my 20s, that I should start getting rid of my toxic friends, that my Sex and the City obsession may be an attempt to understand what womanhood really means, and that I should be my best self. And all of this has me wondering both whether I should take this advice from my peers and if I’ve actually implemented any of that advice without really taking note of it.

The toxic friends vs. let’s be our best selves posts have the greatest chance at depth, at least for this group of posts. They’re almost two different arguments, even though they weren’t pitted against each other: by all means, we should disengage ourselves from our toxic friends (who we may not even realize are toxic until we reach a certain breaking point), but maybe this piece of advice should be taken with the caveat of trying to mend those friendships that are deep or long-lasting. I’m tempted to say that everyone can be toxic for their friends at some point, and that may be why a fight happens in the first place. But we need to learn to differentiate between the friends who are truly, always, without fail toxic and those who are overall good people with some faults (because aren’t most of us this way?). Still, that’s easier said than done. You can’t always tell who’s actually toxic until your friendship is tested a little bit. But when it is, that’s when you’ll know if it’s worth saving.

The quote below just hit me when I read it, probably because of my current issues with Alyssa. From time to time, I’ll debate whether or not I should make the first move to get rid of the weirdness that’s emerged, and I’m still not clear on my answer. Sometimes I think it’s a good idea, and sometimes I think she needs to learn a lesson. But maybe this tidbit will prove useful when I have to officially confront that situation:

And, let’s be good to each other. In college, friendships were easier to come by and easier to keep — a fight would be resolved eventually just by virtue of living in the same house and getting drunk during a Project Runway marathon. Now, a misunderstanding or an unkind word can remain in the air for weeks while we each live our busy, complicated lives. If a friendship is deep, let’s honor that. Let’s take the time to fix it. Let’s learn to be truthful with each other and see what comes of it. We will need these friendships if we’re going to succeed. ~ Jana Pollack, “Let’s Be Our Best Selves”

From experience, I know this is true. And we’ve been there for each other in the past when things have gotten rough. But I still wonder if what happened most recently was a proverbial last straw or if it will end up just being a hiccup. Will need to get back to you on that one. (But I suppose it’s now appropriate to point out that my last falling out with a friend ended up being just that: a falling out. No fight, no resolution, nothing. We just don’t talk anymore. Part of me kind of felt that she fit into some of those toxic friends categories discussed in the relevant post (link provided above). And if that’s actually the case (because I doubt I’ll ever find out), then our falling out may have been for the best.)

It’s a little strange to realize that friendship, and relationships for that matter, aren’t so effortless anymore, at least the same way they were in college. Seeing each other on a regular basis was almost a guarantee, nothing was planned, schedules were less complicated and more open, and the commute was nonexistent. Almost none of that is true anymore. It actually takes real effort to maintain a relationship now. Which in some ways is how we come to learn who really cares about us (read: who’s good for us) and who doesn’t (read: potentially toxic). To paraphrase He’s Just Not That Into You (the movie, not the book), if someone wants to see you, they’ll find a way to see you. It’s just that simple. But sometimes we don’t realize it, often because we’re too busy making excuses for the other person as to why they haven’t called or gone for coffee with us lately. It’s hard to face the fact that they just may not care, and that’s why they haven’t called. Ouch.

But I’m convinced that those band-aid worthy moments make the happier ones worth enjoying even more. Simply put, it feels good to be missed. Depending on your perspective, that’s either extremely narcissistic or just pure unadulterated desire for a connection with another human being, romantic or otherwise. We like to know people care about us, that someone notices if we aren’t there. That’s only natural. And it makes sense to surround yourself with people like that. It definitely beats waiting around to see if another (potentially toxic) friend will deign to call you.

So these are the lessons to be learned, Thought Catalog tells me (in the snarky voice of Ryan O’Connell). And when we learn, we implement. Hopefully.